Thursday, May 03, 2007






Mint. Nu incercam sa-mi revin cand ascultam melodia aia sau pe oricare dintre celelalte pe care le ascultam hipnotic atunci. Eram in cadere libera. Pentru ca ma luase in brate si picioarele incepusera sa i se lungeasca. Ma tinea in brate si picioarele i se lungeau din ce in ce mai mult. Se uita in ochii mei si eu in ai lui; i-am zambit si eu. Si zambind mi-a dat drumul. Eram deasupra cerului. Am inceput sa cad ca intr-un film noir animat. Cu mainile si picioarele moi, incapabile de vreo miscare oricat de lipsita de noima, cu ochii ficsi, cu fata amortita de incredibil. Vantul batea in sus pe langa mine, dar eu nu-l simteam, il lasam sa treaca. Nu ma opuneam cand ma rostogoleam in aer. Asa mi-am pierdut orizontul, neopunandu-ma, si am intrat in vartej. Acolo m-am speriat si m-am trezit. Am incercat sa ma apuc de cate-o radacina care intra in vartej de pe margine, dar ma invarteam atat de tare si ma afundam atat de repede incat n-am putut. Atunci a trebuit sa strig. As fi vrut sa fiu singura in lumea asta ca sa ma poata durea in liniste, dar a trebuit s-apuc mana care-a intrat in vartej dupa mine. Am vrut sa vad cat de adanc pot sa cad, dar mi s-a facut frica de neantul care s-a deshis sub picioarele mele; nu ma asteptam sa nu-i vad capatul, iar pe mine ma sperie foarte tare necunoscutul. Asa ca lasitatea m-a salvat de mine.
Advisory: Do not try this at home!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Haide, vino. Vino, vino…
Vino langa mine. Vino, vino la mine.
Mi-e dor de tine, vino…
Vino!
Mi-e dor de pielea ta. De cum mirosi.
Ma strangi in brate… Vino.
Am nevoie…
Vino, vreau sa fii aici.
Vino!...
Uite, sunt aici. Vino…
Vino la mine…

Saturday, April 14, 2007

I gotta smash that bunny!… I gotta smash it to the ground… and use my fist… or my foot… And look at it when I do this… I gotta smash it to small, tiny pieces… I don’t know why, what it’s gonna change. But I’ve been telling myself that I’m gonna do that for some time now. And some day I’ll do it. I’ll stop looking at it and thinking it and I’ll break that small rabbit. And I’m gonna keep as a souvenir, like Indians used to take the scalps of the ones they had killed, his little bell which now hangs around his fragile neck on a red ribbon.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

- Nu mai am ce sa spun. M-am golit, ii arunca in fata cuvintele si isi lipi buzele una de cealalta ca pe niste porti imense si greoaie ale unei cetati care si le inchidea pentru ultima data. Isi lua privirea de la el, iar capul i se apleca sub resemnarea hotarata.
El se uita in continuare la ea. Chiar asa era? Chiar nu mai era nimic de spus? Asta a fost tot? S-a terminat? Nu durea, dar era ciudat. Era ciudat ca nu durea.
Erau bruneti amandoi. Ea… nu se uratise, dar se neglijase de la o vreme, iar acum parea gri. Amandoi erau tristi… si trecuti… Obositi. De relatia asta?... Hm… Da, era timpul, dar era ciudat. Sa inceapa sa-si separe obiceiurile si sa si-l scoata fiecare pe celalalt din viata lui, sa faca atatea lucruri singuri sau… cu alti oameni? E posibil? El zambi trist. Maine o sa fie mai bine. Deja incepuse sa simta ca se trasforma intr-un copac si ca radacinile mai aveau putin si ajungeau in miezul pamantului. “Te iubesc!” Suna ciudat de familiar… Devenise familiar, nu mai era fior. Da, venise timpul. Se golisera unul pe celalalt fara sa-si dea seama. Se hranisera unul din celalalt prea mult, nu mai ramasese nimic.
Statura asa un timp, fara sa spuna nimic, in camera cu lumina apasatoare, dar gandindu-se la acelasi lucru. Amandoi vedeau pietrele care ajunsesera…
Se mai uita o data la ea… Incerca s-o vada din nou frumoasa asa cum o iubise la inceput… Dar nu putu si-si intoarse privirea.
Nu mai ramasese altceva de facut decat sa iasa amandoi din camera cu lumina apasatoare si sa paseasca.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Whispers:
“Such a stupid girl…”
“Such a stupid, stupid little girl!...”
And, in the comforting darkness of her room, two tears rolled on her cheeks and fell on the coverlet while she asked herself for the thousandth time…

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Imi doresc sa pot vedea intotdeauna lucrurile ca si cum le-as vedea pentru prima data. Imi doresc sa pot deschide ochii suficient de larg incat sa vad ce e in jurul meu cu totul, intr-adevar. Pentru ca de cele mai multe ori my eyes are wide shut.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Ma gandeam mai devreme:
Mi-ar placea sa-l chem pe Mr. Deejay la mine azi?
Sa fie patul facut si ordine
Si eu imbracata in altceva
Sa inchid usa
Si sa stam sa ascultam muzica din asta
La volum suficient cat sa poata fi simtita si pe niste boxe care sa se auda bine
Si mi-am imaginat ca Mr. Deejay ar face o miscare sa ma sarute
Dupa aia m-am vazut pe mine refuzandu-l
Si dupa aia pe el intins de-a curmezisul patului
Si eu intinsa langa el cu capul pe pieptul lui
Nefacand altceva decat ascultand muzica si stand asa
Mi-am dat seama ca nu vreau nimic de natura erotica
Vreau sa fiu tinuta in brate
Si sa ma simt linistita
Numai ca nu vreau sa vina Mr. Deejay la mine cand e patul facut si ordine si eu sunt imbracata in altceva. Si nu vreau sa inchida Mr. Deejay usa si nu vreau sa incerce Mr. Deejay sa ma sarute. Nu vreau sa fie intins Mr. Deejay de-a curmezisul patului meu si nu vreau sa stau cu capul pe pieptul lui Mr. Deejay nefacand altceva decat ascultand muzica si stand. Nu vreau sa ma tina Mr. Deejay in brate. Nu poate sa ma linisteasca.

Friday, March 02, 2007

I
...

- Da-mi o palma, i-a spus ea zambind jucaus.
Soarele intra in camera ei de fetita cuminte. Era o zi absolut normala de inceput de vara. Iar ea statea turceste pe pat uitandu-se la el senina...
- De ce sa-ti dau o palma? Era atat de socat de rugamintea asta incat n-a reusit sa spuna altceva.
- Nu stiu. Asa mi-a venit. As fi vrut sa simt. Si-apoi – de ce nu? – sa vad daca esti in stare sa dai intr-o femeie.
Rade. Se amuza:
- Ar fi fost foarte urat din partea ta daca ai fi facut-o.
El nu mai intelegea nimic. De ce se schimbase atat de brusc? Ce vroia de fapt de la el? N-avea prea mare importanta oricum. Ii placea. Asta era important. Nu vroia sa recunoasca nici fata de el ca incepea sa se indragosteasca de fetita ciudata care statea in fata lui. Isi spusese femeie... Da, trebuie sa fi fost femeie. Si el trebuie sa fi fost de acord cu ea din moment ce se gandea in felurile acelea cateodata la ea. S-a intins sa-i atinga obrazul.
- Hai sa mergem. O sa intarziem, i-a spus in timp ce se dadea jos din pat. Oamenii aia nu sunt pusi acolo ca sa ne astepte pe noi. O sa avem timp sa vorbim despre ce vrei cand ne intoarcem.
Alta amanare. De ce il evita? De ce-i era frica? Isi pierdea rabdarea. Trebuie sa vobeasca neaparat cand se intorc.
- Da, asa e. Ai dreptate. Nici nu mi-am dat seama cand a trecut timpul. I-a zambit si s-a ridicat si el. Haide.
A asteptat-o sa-si puna hanoracul micut si sa-si verifice inca o data imaginea in oglinda. Zambea. Ii era draga tare. Putea sa stea asa sa se uite la ea oricat, nu l-ar fi deranjat. S-a intors multumita spre el si l-a luat de brat:
- Sunt gata. Ai sa vezi: o sa-ti faca bine aerul curat si agitatia.
Da, intotdeauna oamenii se agitau cand ieseau la iarba verde. Fiecare avea de facut ceva crucial pentru rezultatul final.
- O sa vina si Andreea si Catalin, intotdeauna te-ai inteles bine cu ei.
De ce-l trata ca pe un om bolnav? N-avea nimic, era doar putin indispus din cauza racelii care nu-i mai trecea. Si vroia foarte tare sa discute cu ea.
- Esti atat de draguta cand esti ingrijorata... Dar nu trebuie sa-ti faci probleme: sunt bine. Te sperii prea repede.
- Nu mai vrei sa mergi? S-a incruntat la el. Deja am vorbit cu ei, ne asteapta.
- Ba vreau sa merg, merg. Nu, spuneam doar asa, ca n-am nimic… si ca esti foarte draguta. I-a zambit incurcat, n-a vrut s-o supere.
Conducea prudent masina pe serpentine. Peisajul pe langa care treceau amandoi ignoranti era minunat si imposibil de descris in cuvinte. Poate doar in priviri, cum se intampla de cele mai multe ori cand culorile frunzelor se amesteca in felurile acelea cu cerul si pamantul si iarba si apa. Dar nici unul nu l-a observat si n-o sa mai fie niciodata la fel indiferent de cate ori o sa mai treaca pe-acolo. In definitiv asa se intampla mai mereu: esti prea obisnuit cu nuantele din jurul tau ca sa te mai opresti, sa fii uimit. Se gandea la ea: o iubea. Da, probabil ca la un moment dat o sa vrea s-o ia de nevasta si sa-si petreaca tot restul vietii cu ea. Fara sa-si dea seama, a zambit la gandul asta. Un copil... poate doi, trei, cine stie? O sa discute la momentul potrivit si-o sa ia o hotarare impreuna. Pentru ca vor fi unul din cuplurile acelea care se consulta si iau toate hotararile impreuna.
Ea statea linistita pe locul ei, in dreapta lui. Abia daca-l observa langa ea, conducandu-i elegant masina. Se gandea, din nou, la o modalitate de a iesi din toata povestea asta fara sa-l faca sa sufere. Nu prea mult oricum. Si iar n-a gasit nimic, nici o solutie. “Da, cred ca pana la urma o sa trebuiasca sa-i spun pur si simplu ca nu pot, ca am incercat, chiar am incercat, dar nu pot! Intelege-ma!” Era cat pe-aci sa spuna toate astea cu voce tare. Of, de ce si-a permis sa lase lucrurile sa ajunga atat de departe? N-ar fi trebuit niciodata sa-l lase s-o sarute in seara aia. Asa face intotdeauna. Dar acum nu mai are cum sa se eschiveze, acum trebuie sa-si asume responsabilitatea. Acum trebuie sa descurce lucrurile pe care ea le-a incurcat. Gata: o s-o faca chiar in secunda asta, in masina. Da, de ce sa mai astepte? In definitiv n-are nici o obligatie fata de el. E vina lui daca e atat de dependent de ea. Poate chiar o sa-i faca bine sa fie din nou pe picioarele lui, singur. Poate o sa-i spuna diseara, cand se intorc. Mai poate astepta macar atat. Sa se termine si ziua asta si de maine o sa fie libera. O sa plece din tara. Poate asa o sa-l uite in sfarsit. Nu, nu pe nenorocitul de langa ea – zambeste – el n-are nici o vina.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Stillness of the heart. Of the substance around. This is Pain. Such a complete feeling! It faces Love. But between them there is a distance of millions of miles. Granite collapsing all around. The scream! The panic! Stare at me! I command you! The flower no longer blinds you. Lonely eyes staring in the dark. The hurt! You can almost feel the river of fire tears flowing down. Black and red and light. And then the desperate scream! Shivers down your spine.


Photo © Jean-Philippe Poli - "Immensity"
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Let’s dance and forget all about it!... Better yet, let’s ice-skate!...
Something new and something old.
What can ever be hold?

You can buy me with a coffee, I'm so cheap. Yes, pay the dear price of a coffee and buy my inner. Buy my most honest, open and closed smile. And sing me to sleep. As you did... do it again. And again and again... It can never be over. It never begun.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Fear. I’m terrified! A horrible monster consuming me, running through my veins. Only you can save me. I’m begging you. What’s going to happen to me? Will you let me be lost in the world? I’m so small and you’re huge. Have mercy! Think. The peach gives herself to you. She’s not aware of the danger. I’m depending on you. I turn my back on you and there you are. But your smile is so strange. It scares me. I turn again. And I feel safe. I’m in your arms, love

Photo © Beau * - "Paris, France"

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Love. Stupidity. Jealousy. Habit. Fear. Humiliation. Frustration. Loveless. Pain. Awakening.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

There was a shut down engine at the end of the road. There was nothing else but the shut engine. Why was it there?... It was so lonely, she almost felt sorry for the little engine... left there in the dark nowhere to rust. She thought it looked at her as it stood there toppled. Should she go over there, should she not? Should she step out of the sphere of light that protected her? Apparently it was just her and the abrupt mountains guarding the dark nowhere. She looked around her again, at the serious mountains, at the flat dark nowhere, at the black-bluish sky filled with a swarm of tiny stars and she stepped out of the sphere of light.
– Little train, here I come...

Friday, January 19, 2007

The little man bowed and, with his hand pointing to the corridor leading to the back, waited to be followed. He led him through that tight and dark passage for a while. They passed by several doors, some open, some closed, and then he stopped in front of the last one. The man bowed again and waited for him to go in.
There was no one waiting in the poorly illuminated poorly decorated room. The bed looked pretty cosy; it wasn’t made as tidy as he was used to, but someone tried. The two night stands… there was a reading lamp on each, but they were probably broken because on the one on the right of the bed there were two or three candles. That’s where the light came from. On the right side of the room, the darker side, he could distinguish very little, maybe there was a wardrobe. A small round table and a rocking chair were near the window on the far end. This little dark room was really inhabited. He walked across the old carpet and sat on the chair. He was a bit ashamed because he shouldn’t have been so amazed when he saw the book on the table. He started reading some passages.
He almost didn’t hear her come in with her eyes on the ground. There was something strange about her. She was beautiful, there was no doubt, but she didn’t seem to realise it. Still, she had that self confidence that comes from knowing how beautiful you are and how much power you somewhat possess because of this. Her face was impenetrable, petrified. It made him wonder if it ever moved, if it ever made a sound. Her look was so distant, she didn’t seem to know that she wasn’t alone as she walked through the room. But she knew. She looked at him for a mere second and then she lowered her eyes again. That glance left him with no words. She was so dominant and yet so submissive… that was her great power, this is how she could entrap anyone. She could’ve been Yuki-onna herself for all he knew.
She started undoing her kimono, but he sopped her with an almost trembling hand. He didn’t want that. He took her to the bed and lied her down. He took the hairpin out and very slowly spread her long beautiful black hair on the bed. He felt like an artist, he felt like each movement of his hand was like a stroke of a painter’s brush. He was creating a painting, a masterpiece. She was perfect lying on the bed in her kimono with her hair spreading like a mystic net and her eyes…
She felt so soft under his hands…
He got up and slowly moved away from her to get his sketch book. He drew her like he never drew before. You could feel his hands on every curve of that drawing.
She never said a word… and he loved her.


Photo © Sue Anna Joe - "Her Embrace"

Thursday, January 18, 2007

- What kind would you like, sir? New or used?
- New.
- All right, sir. And the humble little Japanese man bowed and went in the back to get him one.
That’s when he saw her. Little, fragile, so sad... beautiful... crouched near a corner of the room. She was so quiet, she didn’t look anywhere, her eyes stared absently at the floor or maybe at the pattern on her kimono. She just sat there.
The little man came back to lead him to the room.
- I want that one.
- Sir, she is not new, she has been used.
- I bet she has been. I want her!
- But, sir...
- I want her!! yelled at the tiny man thrusting his eyes into that humble look.







Photo © Sue Anna Joe - "Inferiority Complex"

Friday, January 05, 2007

S-a oprit ca fulgerat. Era incapabil sa se miste desi stia ca probabil e putin penibil, el incremenit cu piciorul pe urmatoarea treapta si ochii fixati pe ea. Ce Dumnezeu se intampla? De unde o stie? Si o stia, o cunostea foarte bine. Avea senzatia clara ca abia plecase din patul ei. S-a fortat intr-un tarziu sa continue sa coboare scara. E o prostie, n-o cunoaste, n-a vazut-o in viata lui. A trecut pe langa ea, il fixa in continuare.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm a woman. I'm beautiful in so many ways... and shapes... and curves...

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Requiem for a jerk. Not in the true meaning of the word ("requiem" that is). Nevertheless, a very good song.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Imperfection creates intimacy.
Like seeing the beauty spots on the skin of a perfect supermodel's back wearing a backless black-greenish velvet dress.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Sunt senina pentru ca simt ca am dat tot ce puteam sa dau. Ti-am dat tie tot. In mare parte dupa ce ne-am despartit. Cred c-a fost o risipa pentru ca n-a ajuns niciodata la tine. E un soi de inocenta senina de inceput. Simt ca reincep si stiu ca nu mai vreau sa dau nimic si asta ma face sa zambesc atat de bleu.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

E ritorno da te. Who said that? It’s my heart. It’s speaking to you. The shadows caught you in their circle. They are dancing with you. And you can’t hear my scream. You look at me, but you can’t see me. You see a leaf floating around you. And the leaf is green, then yellow, then grey. She’s white. Her tears are dropping on the shadows. It’s burning them. Your sight is clear now. And you can see my soul. So close and yet so distant. And you touch my heart.

Photo © Jean-Sébastien Monzani - "A German Rhapsody"
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Despre ea si sechelele legate de oamenii care fac cadouri si scot ochii si despre vorbele pe care le scot „prietenii” si despre de ce oare ascultam ce zic altii despre relatiile noastre care de fapt ne privesc doar pe noi. Eu nu cred ca am ascultat vreodata ce-au spus ceilalti despre relatiile mele. Ascult numai de mine cand sunt indragostita, sunt surda la restul lumii.