Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I love myself when I’m in love. And every time I realize this it catches me by surprise. It feels like a love declaration to myself. Almost every time it happens towards the end. Maybe precisely to…
I dreamt last night. I dreamt that you came only to tell me that you were “going out, dear”. And then I dreamt a beautiful girl who was trying to commit suicide in the bath tub… under the water with her eyes open… and beautiful… She didn’t. But she had a laugh at my sadness.
Seems so silly. Everything. Traveling to distant land when… nothing says it’s possible... Only the drunken mind thinks it, stubborn against all common sense.
I always believe what people tell me…
Draw a beautiful house in the field. A big house, with trees in the autumn, with golden grass turned to straw, with wooden fence… and sun, a lot of sun, calm, with wind… so peaceful and bringing so much wellbeing… Me, I’m under a tree, a huge marvelously green tree in the middle of this autumn. Nothing can come here… I’m smiling. I longed so much for this smile… It feels good.
I’m waiting for my man… I’m almost laughing thinking it because this is silly; it’s a silly way to make fun of ourselves and to be unwarily glad of our lives here. We know we’re good here… we know it’s never going to get better… and we know we’re never going to leave this place. It’s ours; finally, we have found it. It has been made for us. It’s like a dream… everything seems that it could move in slow motion, but it’s not; it’s just slow, the rhythm.
We have a dog and a cat, that get along… I don’t know where they are… and we have chickens… and horses. And everything a perfect dream needs in order to be perfect.
More realistic seems the dream with the girl drowning.
Nothing to say.
Just waiting.
Love with an expiration date… the stupidest thing I could do.
But so beautiful.
Who am I kidding?
I just want to leave. That’s it. That’s all I want to do.
… My coffee got cold.